She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’ve had relationships like this
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat