I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
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Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.