@CruisinSoozan

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

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@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

@briancthayer

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

@TheCatWhisprer

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

@WilliamAder

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

@thelaurenobrien

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@TheHyyyype

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

@stephanieck72

All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.

@Seinfeld2000

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

@RickAaron

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.