@CruisinSoozan
@EndhooS I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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@EndhooS 
@sarcasticmommy4 Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
@MumbaichaTapori One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
@LlamaInaTux Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
@TimODee16 Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
@LeftAtLondon Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
@MarkAgee “Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
@SirEviscerate *uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
@Scottcrates My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
@TheTweetParrot Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.