She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority of them are just freelancing.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

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