She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

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My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.


me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third


*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold


Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.


There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.


Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no


Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.


A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally


Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.