She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
This probably isn’t good
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…