She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
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ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
channeling her this year
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?