“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day