@CornOnTheGoblin

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

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@cydbeer

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

@Heather2Go

I’m so bad with directions that every time I try to go to Pound Town I end up in the Friend Zone.

@kelkulus

The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

@subtweetopath

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

@hippieswordfish

ME: im nervous
GIRLFRIEND: dont be
M: what are some of his interests
GF: he likes football
[later]
GF’S DAD: nice to meet u
M: *tackles him*

@AngelaEhh

I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.