she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.