she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

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What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use


I’m so bad with directions that every time I try to go to Pound Town I end up in the Friend Zone.


The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.


HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?


ME: im nervous
M: what are some of his interests
GF: he likes football
GF’S DAD: nice to meet u
M: *tackles him*


I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.


Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.