Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
what could possibly go wrong?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.