The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
You Might Also Like
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant
*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can’t wait to be a theater prop.
The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.