@gossipgriII

she means break a leg..

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@AimeeHelene1

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

@JediGigi

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

@aspiringtoucan

BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant

*Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don’t know

@crunchenhancer

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

@BrainFumbles

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

@vineyille

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

@_The_Man__

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@bourgeoisalien

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can’t wait to be a theater prop.

@davidkenny100

The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
My pasta
My. Pasta