The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.
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Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
Thank god he is good looking.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?