Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Sniffing the broccoli
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me