@FroggyGonnaJump

She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.

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@brunopieroni

Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@lecalabara

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

@somecleverthing

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

@doublewenis

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

@licensedtoverb

Maybe I’ll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats.

“NO!” *Shoots person in face*

@Shen_the_Bird

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

@delusionaliam

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!

@TheAndrewNadeau

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?