She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.

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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.


Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.


Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.


Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.


*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.


I can’t love you. I’m still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can’t abandon her.


ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what