@Manda_like_wine

She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.

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@notalogin

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

@OctopusCaveman

I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.

@Breadery

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

@candace_9871

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

@fishbowel

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

@pembdave

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

@mom_tho

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

@WheelTod

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

@DanMentos

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?