Smallpox sounds so adorable
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My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.