king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
This could be us but you eatin’
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*