@faizziy

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

You Might Also Like

@ellewasamistake

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

@david8hughes

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

@murrman5

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

@primawesome

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

@MarfSalvador

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

@dumbbeezie

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

@matt___nelson

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

@TheAlexNevil

Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.

@yungfedora

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*