She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
🤣could you imagine
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret