She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I need better friends
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?