@LukeEMiaPI

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

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@markleggett

HOBBIES INCLUDE:
– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak

@GrowlyGrego

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

@linkindrinkin

james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint

@mydanimarie

Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”

@mela_shea

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

@generaldietz

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

@Browtweaten

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

@LosLos__

Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

~A parenting haiku.