– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
james bond: shaken not stirred
home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint
I wonder if clothes in China say “made around the corner”
Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Stop. Stop it right now.
I’m going to count to five.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
~A parenting haiku.