She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
why no one uses midhusbands
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw