She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-