She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
That eye roll….
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies