She said: “I want to have your children.”
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

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GPS: Take the next right.


GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…


Oatmeal cookies always be the last ones in a variety pack looking up at you like “how badly do you want a cookie?”


Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”


Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome


No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”


It’s difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.


[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]


If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.