@magicraisin

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

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@IchBin_Rob

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

@DaddyJew

Oatmeal cookies always be the last ones in a variety pack looking up at you like “how badly do you want a cookie?”

@Fred_Delicious

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

@OctopusCaveman

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

@LizHackett

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

@TheMichaelRock

It’s difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.

@SteveSuckington

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

@CharlieDinkin

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.