@jake_lach

She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance

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@sofarrsogud

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

@sween

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

@dog_feelings

the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited

@ItsAndyRyan

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

@KittenWritten

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

@NinjaFuneral

I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

@TheBoydP

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*