ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*