She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
thank god the sign was there
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS