I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that’s like telling a samurai not to use his sword
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Picture me naked.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.
Sarcasm: my second favorite -asm.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.