@jake_lach

She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that’s like telling a samurai not to use his sword

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@Donna_McCoy

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

@freshestginger

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

@MaryKoCo

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

@Jandalize

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

@rockymomax

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.

@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.