She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
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“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle