him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
🤣🤣🤣
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock