She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Please do it!
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.