My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.