All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.
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Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?
ME: I’m very strong
X: So? All my students are
ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*
X: Dear god
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes
A dog is in my studio apartment and he keeps looking around for other rooms. I wish i was doing a little better too dude !
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.