@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

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@YourMomsucksTho

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

@TheLevelArc

Spiderman’s villain should just be a glass jar and a piece of paper.

@Book_Krazy

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.

@MrDelFreaky

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

@clichedout

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

@Aspersioncast

If I’ve learnt anything from Zombie movies it’s that people meat is pretty damn stringy.

@Rollinintheseat

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

@gilbertjasono

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

@junejuly12

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.