@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

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@disco_bird

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

@duplicitron

Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?

ME: I’m very strong

X: So? All my students are

ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*

X: Dear god

@Vice_Queen

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

@EvilLordBacon

*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes

@shutupmikeginn

A dog is in my studio apartment and he keeps looking around for other rooms. I wish i was doing a little better too dude !

@KickSumHunibuns

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

@mydmac

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

@neiltyson

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

@babadookspinoza

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.