once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.