Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

yeet

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless