She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking