@Roclogic

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

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@WillSaysStuff

welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?

uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?

no

*steve leaves*

@dshack8

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

@DemetriusHarmon

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

@Dschnoeb

I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.

@BoogTweets

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

@PajamaStew

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

@sonictyrant

[Inn fight]

Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering

Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear

@Daveastated

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.