She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
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I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
i wish i could marry a nap
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.