Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
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“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
“A needy board?”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: My sister is pregnant
Him: Does she know the sex?
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant
Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…
I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[Gets a Netflix notification on phone]
FRIEND: Is that your ex?
ME: [Lying] No.