She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
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50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.