She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

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Hamlet, but starring a pig. We call it: Hamlet. Let me explain


[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
“A needy board?”


Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.


Me: My sister is pregnant

Him: Does she know the sex?

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how she got pregnant


Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is, but apparently I’m in it…


I wish my cat would squirt me with the water bottle when I go to eat junk food.


Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.



I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.


saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert


[Gets a Netflix notification on phone]
FRIEND: Is that your ex?
ME: [Lying] No.