She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who


*cop bursts into bathroom*
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*


I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????


If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.


Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”


I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.


90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there


*puts arm around you*

You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.

*steals your pizza*


If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!


OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??