@MelvinofYork

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

You Might Also Like

@StillJessLS

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

@Fred_Delicious

*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*

@sweetg35

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.????

@sskylark

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

@WheelTod

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

@iwearaonesie

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

@kcmoore51

*puts arm around you*

You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.

*steals your pizza*

@sweetg35

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

@barbhaynes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??