She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Monday
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj