She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Sooo many times…..
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose