She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Siri, fight Alexa.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing