She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”