She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.