@daemonic3

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

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@DamonHunzeker

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

@sammyrhodes

Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”

@ch000ch

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

@JohnLyonTweets

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

@DarzieDAMN

That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me.

It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”

@Roclogic

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

@bartandsoul

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

@Manda_like_wine

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”