She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

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Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”


Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”


request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty


My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.


That artsy picture you took of your Jack Daniels really spoke to me.

It said “This persons an alcoholic but still takes decent pictures.”


She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!


2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies


For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”