If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Ladies, why y’all do this?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand