Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
Now my CD’s are missing.
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.