She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the

Now my CD’s are missing.


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Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together


My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.


My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.


Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”


fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably


Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool


They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.


HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.