@Danny_McH2O

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

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@Dustinkcouch

me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don’t fit the same

customer: can you break this dollar or not man

me: i just want her back

customer: and i just want change

me: u sound just like her

@MeganGetsMoney

Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

@librarianfonz

Growing up in a household dominated by females, you learn:

1. The importance of listening
2. 101 euphemisms for “the monthly visitor”

@EndhooS

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

@junejuly12

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

@sarcasm_inc

Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
FANtastic, Ellen

@TylerLinkin

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

@Marlebean

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

@Contwixt

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

@Brampersandon_

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread