@Danny_McH2O

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

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@ruslg1

I don’t date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.

@VerbsRProudest

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@shegotagronk

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

@Jmboyd58

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

@sydneysagehorn

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

@DoritosOverHoes

“YOUR 15” is trending worldwide instead of “YOU’RE 15” and that’s why we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet.

@Discourt

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

@AndreyasAsylum

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

@TheThomason

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.