She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

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I don’t date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.


Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.


Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.


You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.


Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.


“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine


“YOUR 15” is trending worldwide instead of “YOU’RE 15” and that’s why we haven’t found a cure for cancer yet.


My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.


I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.


Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.