She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”