Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I think my mom just blocked me
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Bro what is this
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.