KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
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My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen