She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?