She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
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wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Sing it!
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.