She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it