She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
This is a true ally.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *