“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.
Trainer: You only did a single push-up.
Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.
The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says “who?” but you still killed a baby.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty