@HatfieldAnne

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

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@biorhythmist

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

@ArfMeasures

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

@Bandersnaaatch

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

@j88ess

Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person

@MyDadIsOld

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

@jimmytorosian

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

@DirtyySouthMess

Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.

Trainer: You only did a single push-up.

Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.

@JoeBerkowitz

The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says “who?” but you still killed a baby.

@Chhapiness

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty