She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Got him!
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.