She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

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[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no


Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.


Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it


When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.


Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”


To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”

How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?


i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.


All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.


“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon