@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

@SoVeryBritish

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

@slackmistress

Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.

@DeathStarPR

Stormtroopers never miss. They’re just trained to fire a 21 shot salute to celebrate the commencement of every firefight.

@jonnysun

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

@notthenanny

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

@NintenDom

Sorry about all the Mario references. I didn’t mean to one-up you. I’ll pipe down.

@WheelTod

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

@Mostly_Cheese

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.