@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

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@TheAlexP

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@TheDairylandDon

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

@canadian_egg

When you’re sad, hug a kid. But make sure it’s yours cuz that shit would be weird.

@Social_Mime

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

@darrinfb

To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”

How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?

@bananafitz

i called my parents to check in with how they were doing. they were arguing because my dad put together a little decorative display of wooden elephants, and my mom apparently ruined it by adding a vase.

@SuperApple8

All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.

@FeelingEuphoric

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon