She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
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A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”