@Shwetangles

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

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@itswrigley

I never did think of myself as beautiful, terribly attractive, yes, but not beautiful.

@FriedWords

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

@ChrisScarlette

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

@TheAndrewNadeau

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

@sambaintv

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

@benterwin

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

@robdelaney

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

@six_2_and_even

Whenever I see a flock of wild turkeys I engage them in conversation to learn of their history and oral tradition (they keep no recognizable written record). Unsurprisingly they have strong opinions about the pilgrims but reserve their greatest rancor for stuffing.

@Douchekevin

She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips.

I asked what kind of pizza it was.

I woke up outside with a concussion

@Darlainky

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.