I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
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Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
$4 #usedbooks
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
There are usually two types of merchants.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever